Simply put, grief is complicated. There is no set timeline. It is nonlinear, and it is very, very personal. In fact, the “stages of grief” may not apply to most people. These so-called stages have the potential to isolate people and make them question their responses and reactions. Understanding the most prevalent signs of grief can truly make a difference in how we help those experiencing the loss of a loved one.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But as a way of better grasping this inevitable part of life, let’s get into these commonly known categories of what it’s like to undergo a loss:
- Denial – As the first of the five stages of grief, denial can help us survive the unimaginable. Many use denial to pace their feelings and possibly reduce the initial impact of their loss. Emotions of meaningless, confusion and even numbness can overtake us at this stage.
- Anger – Anger, as frowned upon as it may be, is necessary in the grieving process. It is best to give into your anger and allow yourself the grace to truly feel. The root of anger is often pain and fear. You are not grieving based on others’ expectations, and your anger is yours to manage. But you have to first feel it.
- Bargaining – Essentially, this stage is filled with the “what if’s” of loss. “What if I had been there sooner?” or “What if I had reached out?” Desperation comes and we think of anything possible to have our loved ones back in our arms. The thing is, these possibilities almost always lead to guilt and cause us to find fault in ourselves. Many individuals live in the past during this stage, thinking back on when they did not have this newfound pain.
- Depression – After bargaining, our focus moves to the present. The reality of the situation hits full force, and we withdraw from everyday tasks or activities that once brought us joy. It is hard to even think of going on. A wave of seemingly never-ending sadness, wondering, and devastation comes. This is not unnatural nor is it something to be corrected.
- Acceptance – Acceptance is not always what it seems. We cannot just consent to the loss we have been experiencing. Being in a life without your loved one in it can never really be enough, but we eventually learn to live with it. We learn to live again, whether that’s building friendships, reaching out, going out of the house or simply having a good day.
As mentioned before, these stages are not linear. We may hop from one to the other. There is no guideline on grief nor is there a timeline on how long you should feel each of these. Because of this, people grieving can often feel isolated in their pain. They feel misunderstood and alone. The best we can do is be patient and loving with ourselves or anyone else who may be grieving. Grieving is a personal experience, one that is too often generalized.